It was last year when I heard a dear friend of mine say that the thing that held him together in the middle of sudden pain and loss was the sovereignty of God, namely that God was fully in charge of the whole situation and outcome and that gave him peace in the middle of what seemed to him unexpected. At that time, I remember agreeing with him and encouraging him in the middle of that for he was encouraging me in my faith.
Today I still believe my friend was right in his assesment. But given my current situation I don't think I can rest on God's sovereignty alone tightly. I know and I am fully aware of my human responsability and that is what I mean when I ask myself: "what did I do wrong?". And the hidden has become visible to me: my sin was exposed. It wasn't openly for all to see but I was given insight into my own heart and I felt terrible...
And resting on God's sovereignty wasn't helping...
And it was there that I recalled that God is a God way beyond my mind to comprehend. I began to think of His kindness and goodness. This verse in particular came to encourage me:
"No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Ps 84:11)
and also this one:
"All things work together for the good of those who love God, those called according to his purpose..." (Rom 8:28-)
All to say the following: I'm glad that God is never restrained. My own mind would like to reduce Him to just one attribute. But now I realize that comfort, real comfort comes in taking and believing -if I can say it respectfully- in the whole God.
So let me believe Him in His sovereignty: nothing escapes his control, He wasn't taken by surprise by all this. Let me believe in His goodness: He has done me no harm and surely He is 100% for His glory and 100% for my good. And also let me believe in His love because I like Paul -although never in his real measure- can say God loves me: "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Gal 2:20)
Tonight, I'm still far from believing fully in God. But this season of time is a good chance for me to start doing it once and for all. By beginning with repenting for the sins and idols of my weak heart I'd be able to follow hard after Him. And I'm not alone. I've never been alone. In fact, He has always been there with me and He still is.
Knowing this, my heart only wants to plead once more: Have mercy, o Jesus. And let your will be done. After all is said and done, You are good.